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Healing in a relationship



A little over a year ago, I wrote a post on Medium about being in the happiest, safest relationship of my life, and I would never contest that. But here I am at 1:30 in the morning, having flipped through a few chapters of Brianna Wiest's "This is how you heal," trying to piece together some chapters of my own life.


The hardest lesson for me has always been accepting that there are people we meet who are here only to help us grow and evolve. Once your soul contract with them is over, you will never meet them, even if you live on the same street. Some people are tied to you for a specific period of time, and despite yearning for them deeply, their job and "unfinished business" are over. That is how karma works.


Currently, I keep finding myself at a place in my life where the most toxic, unhealed, unstable versions of me come out at the slightest trigger. I started dating my current partner almost immediately after going through a breakup and I didn't get the chance to heal because it was my partner who was helping me heal and when I got into a relationship with him, things started moving too fast, too soon.


This is my first real relationship in a long time where I reside in the same city as my partner, we meet often and we spend a lot of time together. He is also the polar opposite of me in many ways and eerily similar to the side of me that I keep hidden. And it's never easy being with your mirror, something that I am beginning to learn. There's an uneasiness within me all the time, a certain kind of restless feeling- a fear to be precise. Fear that things are about to go wrong. Although he hasn't given me a chance to be fearful of anything. I am continuously triggered, scared, and act so erratic at times because the unhealed version of me is waiting for history to repeat.


Today, we shared a wholesome milestone in our relationship. Something that has never happened in my previous relationships. We live in the same city but we haven't been able to spend time together in a while because of our schedules. So today, after his work, we kept our video call running to do our own thing. He was watching a movie and I was reading my book. It sure was an intimate moment in our relationship where we felt comfortable knowing that the other person was present, while also doing what we wanted to. But then the overthinker in me cropped out and presented me with 1000 questions. What if we are bored of each other? What if he no longer wants to talk to me? What if watching that same movie which he has watched several times in the past is more important than talking to his girlfriend? And I hate to admit, I am in this limerence state of mind which has never been an issue for me in the past. I was always the chill girlfriend until I became the opposite.


Accountability has been my weakest suit. I hate being answerable to anyone and I could have subconsciously chosen relationships in the past that allowed me to get away with a lot of my issues. I have never had to update my previous partners about my whereabouts for the day. I could be in bed one minute and bungee jumping off a cliff in a different country the next minute and nobody gave two hoots about it. My current partner will throw a fit if he doesn't know where I am, doing what, and with whom. And I am learning that some things are not about control but respect. As long as he knows my plans for the day, it's fine but this has taken a major adjustment from my end. My ability to detach for hours and go MIA is another one of the traits I have to actively work on. The chill girlfriend in me never bothered calling or texting throughout the day because I like giving people their space- but what they didn't know was, that I simply didn't want anyone to call me clingy. My detachment has always been my defense mechanism. Not anymore. My partner loves being bombarded with texts and calls. If I call him 200 times a day, he won't complain. If I text him 3 messages in a row he won't complain that I am too much. Something that he has made clear since day 1. He wants to know that he is being missed. He is loved. He is needed. And that truly is one of his best traits.


I am sure this relationship has been challenging for him too in many ways and we are still learning to show up for one another. There are so many unhealed parts of him that he is probably having to work on, insecurity being the biggest of them. But what I am learning is that to love someone means to accept them in whichever form they show up and not fit each other in our pre-made molds of how we want our love to look like. We allow the other person to grow, to become who they need to be, help them in their journey, hold enough space for them, and let them fly if need be. That's the hardest lesson to learn in life and love. Letting people be and letting go when the time comes.

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